Kitt posted...
Hey! Stop stealing Green Butter's amazing posts!
I have had a good deal of success in my dating/sex life and figured I could pass on some tips to lonely CEmen that have had some problems in the past. You've heard the D.E.N.N.I.S. Method from It's Always Sunny and I figured I'd fit my own seduction method into a paradigm like this.
Behold:
The S.H.I.N.O.B.I. Method
My method makes the assumption that you have already met a woman and have her number, which I feel is the easy part because it can just be a girl you matched with through online dating or met in a group project or something. Anyway:
1. S - Send Vague Text Responses
Girls eat this s*** up. Don't give her any definite responses or make her feel like she's worth any more time than a text message. If you are too much of a "nice guy" then normally the girl gets turned off, but you can't be a dick either. You need to be aloof; this girl KNOWS she can pull a thousand guys on Tinder in fifteen minutes, but if you aren't acting thirsty it will instantly elevate you above them.
2. H - Have Her Meet You For Dinner at Olive Garden
Olive Garden is the perfect casual dining experience. It is nice enough that it will feel like an actual date, but not too nice that your date is intimidated. It also offers ample parking. Make sure that you drive separately; this is important later on.
3. I - Indicate That You Would Like a Round of Breadsticks for the Table
As soon as the waitress attends to your table, order a round of Breadsticks. The Breadsticks are not only free, but they are unlimited, and that will be key here. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I find it important to let the waitress know right away that you want the Breadsticks, as there will not be any wasted time.
4. N - Never Let the Waitress See You Taking Breadsticks Out of the Restaurant
Once your have received your basket of Breadsticks, you may empty them all out into your jacket pockets, but as this is uncomfortable, you will want to make sure you take trips to your car periodically to unload. This is where it becomes key that you drove to the restaurant separately. Make sure the wait staff does not see you leaving to unload either, or they will kick you out (has happened to me on rare occasions).
5. O - Order More Breadsticks
As soon as the waitress comes back, say "nummy nummy, breadsticks in me tummy, yummy yummy, more more!" or something to that nature. The waitress will think you are a big fat f*** and likely go back to provide more, as Olive Garden provides these Breadsticks for free and the restaurants are insured for thousands anyway (so they aren't taking a financial hit from the Breastick losses).
6. B - Bring a Trash Bag to Store Breadsticks
This part is key. You can only go out to your car so many times before you begin to rouse suspicion. I like to use the "Oh, I left my dog chained outside of the restaurant, better bring him water this time!" or "Methinks I have left my child in the hot car! Daddy's coming!" However, too many trips will start to get you looks, so bring a trash bag to fill up with Breadsticks (under your table).
7. I - Immediately Leave the Restaurant After Your Bag is Full
Once the bag is full, you can no longer unload in your car, so it is time to leave. If you have done this correctly, your bill will be $0.00 and you will have a car loaded with warm, garlic and parmesan covered baked goods.
From there, you can use these Breadsticks to make sandwiches for the month. I hope this advice helps some of you CEmen, because I know dating is hard and it's sometimes nerve wracking knowing how to behave on a first date.
